What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 01:13
And i lived it daily.
I was seconnd youngest,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why do flat-Earthers think the Earth is flat?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Nemo cumque quis qui velit unde nihil.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She wouldn,t have been !
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I was very sick at this time too.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Sit deserunt in iusto aut praesentium fugiat fugit.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Was to survive, this bastard.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why did i forgive my father ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Would this be the day?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He knew the spot.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So, i spoilt her more .
One cannot live in the past .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She loved him until the end.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
It was going to be , some day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
This is soul school!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I think the readers, may guess!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Who then, do I blame.?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was scared of men, in general
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I said to her
I write beautiful poetry .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im still living with it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So whats the point in blame.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My family never makes their pension either.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She married twice! .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I don,t even have a pension.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She was in good health!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
All the time i was locked up.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But, we were locked up after school.
I have no regrets .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My life is so biszare .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I will be 64.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But it wasn’t much.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I waited trembling.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She found it foreign!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were not on the streets..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ive learnt so much.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What did i know ?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was 9 years of age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We all went to grammer schools
When she asked me how she looked .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Comes on , in middle age.